It would be 3 AM and I would still be awake watching porn and guys having sex on their web cam. By that point I would’ve jerked off 3 times already, but I still wouldn’t have had enough. My dick wouldn’t even stay hard, but I couldn’t stop beating off until I got one more nut.

On a “good” day I could hook up with 3 or 4 different guys, but never
at the same time. Group sex was never my thing, so it was always one-on-one. Afterwards I would still have to go online to watch porn to get another nut or two. I would leave work for hours at a time so I could meet up with guys. It was mostly at my place since the guys were usually married, from the burbs, or in some sort of relationship. You wouldn’t believe the trouble I could get into on a lunch break from 12 PM – 2PM. If I was really horny and I couldn’t get away, then I would jerk off in an office watching a guy on cam or do a phone bone session in the bathroom. Something about the fear of getting caught really turned me on.

On days that I didn’t connect with anyone I would be on my computer searching for hours. I would tell myself that I’m just going to log on for
a minute, but once I was on, some days I wouldn’t leave the house. It
got to the point where I would have to force myself to turn off the computer at night so I could get some sleep. I would negotiate with myself almost every night about the amount of time I would spend on the computer. 15 more minutes and I’m done, but once those 15 minutes passed, then I would say just another 30 minutes and so on.

When I was living with my family I didn’t have many opportunities to hook up with guys. If I did, it would be late at night and I would have
to sneak them into the house. Once I moved on my own, then I could basically do what I wanted. I moved to a place in the “gayborhood” and there is always temptation around every corner. Living in Oak Lane it was a little more complicated to meet guys.

After my third time having Chlamydia, my close friends thought that
I had a problem… possibly a sexual addiction, which at that point I strongly denied. In my mind sex addicts were people who would have sex with anyone, had no standards and had no control over what they were doing. Now that I’ve said it out loud, I guess that was me after all.

In the last year I began to realize how sex was really affecting me and keeping me from having meaningful relationships with guys. If I meet a guy now that I really like, then I don’t want to have sex with him. It’s like as soon as I have sex with a guy, whatever feeling I had for him just goes away. I just look at him as another notch on my belt. Most of the time I try not to have sex with guys that I really like out of fear. But the average guy is only going to put up with us not having sex for so long before the comments begin like “if you aren’t having sex with me then you must be doing it with someone else”. I don’t know how to explain how screwed up I am about sex without the whole sex addict label coming up. Then it becomes a trust issue on the guys’ part, because who wants to date a sex addict?

I mean I’ve never had to be faithful to any guy that I’ve dated. Usually when that “are we dating” question comes up in conversation, my reply has always been “we are hanging out” so I can continue hooking up with guys without feeling guilty about cheating. I just know that if I continue this path my greatest fear will come true. I will be alone for the rest of my life and looking for something I’m never going to find.

One of the first steps was to admit to myself that I do have a problem and own it… I’m a sex addict. Now I have to figure out what the cause of it is so I can deal with it. I made the decision to get some help. I went online to research treatment for sexual addiction and found a therapist in my area that I’ve been seeing once a week for the last couple of months. He has been helping me work on some of the issues that I have and ways to engage in healthier sexual behavior. Initially I wasn’t going to go because even though I had insurance, I still couldn’t afford it. He had a sliding pay scale, which allowed me to continue treatment.

I’ve discovered that it really wasn’t about the sex, but something emotionally that I was lacking. I’m not really close with my family and I don’t really have many friends, so when I got online I was really just looking for some sort of closeness with someone, but in order to achieve that, sex was the main ingredient. I was fulfilled for the moment, but once it was over I was left feeling empty again and needed another fix.

It’s a daily struggle and sometimes I slip, but I just have to remember
the goal. The main thing for me is to find some other interests and not go online as much, which seems to be helping. I had to delete all of my profiles on hook up sites and sometimes force myself not to post ads out of loneliness and boredom. I’m not comfortable enough to explain this to guys yet so I’m not dating until I figure it all out. After a certain number of years of having sex without emotion, it is hard to go back
but ultimately that isn’t what I really want. What I want is to be able to express myself emotionally and physically with my partner and if I don’t get the help now, then will I ever…

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